I've seen everything...

Below is a conversation taken from Season 1, Ep. 6 of HBO's Extras with Ricky Gervais (Andy) talking to Patrick Stewart (of Star Trek TNG/X-Men fame)

Classic stuff.

[Andy has come to see Patrick Stewart in his trailer]


Patrick Stewart: I'm writing a screenplay and I find the whole process absolutely exhilarating.

Andy Millman: What's yours about, if you don't mind my asking?

Patrick Stewart: Well, uh - how best to explain it; you've seen me in "X-Men" ...

Andy Millman: Yeah.

Patrick Stewart: The character I am, Professor Charles Xavier, if you remember, he can control things with the power of his mind - can make people do things and see things, so I thought, what if you could do that for real? I mean, not in a comic book world, but in the real world.

Andy Millman: Oh, all right.

Patrick Stewart: So in my film, I play a man who controls the world with his mind.

Andy Millman: Right. Oh, that's interesting.

Patrick Stewart: Yeah. For instance, I'm walking along, and I see this beautiful girl, and I think I'd like to see her naked, and so all her clothes fall off.

Andy Millman: All her - clothes fall off?

Patrick Stewart: Yes, and she's scrabbling around to get them back on again, but even before she can get her knickers on, I've seen everything. Yeah. I've seen it all.

Andy Millman: [pause] Okay. It's a comedy, is it?

Patrick Stewart: No. It's about what would happen, you know, if these things were possible.

Andy Millman: What's the story, though, what's the ...

Patrick Stewart: Well, I do other stuff; like I'm riding my bike in the park, and this policewoman says "Oi! You can't ride your bike on the grass!" and I go "Oh no?" And her uniform falls off, and she goes "Ahh!" and she's trying to cover up, but I've seen everything anyway. And I get on my bike and I ride off. On the grass.

Andy Millman: [increasingly uncomfortable] So it's mainly you sort of go around seeing ladies' tits?

Patrick Stewart: Mainly. And I do other stuff, like I go to the World Cup final, and it's Germany versus England, and I wish that I were playing, and suddenly I am, and I score the winning goal, and they carry me into the dressing room and there's Roony and Beckham and then Posh Spice walks in and ...

Andy Millman: Her clothes fall off?

Patrick Stewart: Instantly.

Andy Millman: Sure.

Patrick Stewart: And she doesn't know what's happening, but I've ...

Patrick Stewart, Andy Millman: [in unison] seen everything.

Andy Millman: [pause] Good. Is there a narrative at all, is there like a story in the film, or is it just ...

Patrick Stewart: Well, I'm a sort of a James Bond figure ...

Andy Millman: Right.

Patrick Stewart: And I have to go to Iraq, to rescue these hostages. And I get there and I rescue them, but they're all women and they're naked because their clothes have rotted off. But I get them into the helicopter, and I'm flying the helicopter, but I can still sneak a look in the mirror and I can see everything, you know. One of them's bending over, two of them are kissing ...

Andy Millman: They've turned lesbian.

Patrick Stewart: Yeah, because they've been in the camp for so long.

Andy Millman: Can happen. Well, look, good luck with that. I've just written a sitcom, but I wonder if you could give it to anyone you know, you know, in film or TV ...

Patrick Stewart: Is there any nudity in it?